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I watch 20 minutes of the Science Channel and this madness comes to mind. Thank GOD because `Memnalar's contest is almost over and I haven't entered anything in forever or actually written anything in forever that's not a long thing, so here we are!

There's a lot of shout outs in this. The EXTREME MAIL DELIVERY of MSPA's Homestuck, for one. And Rose's mom's scarf. And the word Rose. >_> Yeah, okay, anywho... There's lots of plot points that sort of loop around, or negate each other. Or at lest they should.

So anywho, free crit this. Help me make it pretty before the contest ends. Tell me what you think. Tell me especially what you think the package was.

German corrections thanks to *Siobhan68 :heart:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-03-07
~LunaticStar defies easy genre classification in the short, brilliantly-paced Schroedinger's Courier. ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by neurotype )
:iconathdaraseleyariddle:
AthdaraSeleyaRiddle Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

Perfect story, I really love it!

 

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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013
Thank you! 
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:iconathdaraseleyariddle:
AthdaraSeleyaRiddle Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist

You're welcome! :)

 

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:iconistrife:
iStrife Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013
This. Is so. Perfect. There's so much to it, and it's all so interesting. I feel like I could write so much about what I like, and what I feel a loss for words. So just know, this is one of the best things I've read on here in a long time. Thanks you for that.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013
Thank you! Glad you liked it. :)
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:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
I love this! Well written, thought provoking, and engaging. Cool concepts :) Usually I skim pieces this long but I read every word.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013
Reading on DA is hard, yeah, I know. Thanks for sticking it out and reading it tho!
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:icondoublethefun:
doublethefun Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013
It was definitely worth it! Thank you for sharing!
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:iconkopaleo:
KopaLeo Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
"Keine bewejung!" is misspelled, should be "Keine bewegung!"

Also, as a theoretical-physicist-to-be, I have to point out that the event horizon is not where you are doomed to die. Simply put, the event horizon is a boundary in spacetime. If you are a fearless physics graduate student, sent into a supermassive black hole (there is one in the center of Milky Way ) by your wicked professor, then this is what is going to happen:
As you fly nearer and nearer to the event horizon, you sent out what you observe to your professor, who was safely sitting in a spaceship 10^9 km away.
At first the professor receives your messages just fine, nothing seems wrong.
Then he notices that your voice is dragged out, slowed down. That's because the gravity is giving the radio signal a very hard time going out, and this delays the signal.
As you cross the event horizon, you feel nothing strange, and sends out the signal, "Crossing the EH now, I'm fine!" But the signal is "stuck" on the event horizon, never able to move out an inch, ever.
Then you started to feel strange, and in mere seconds you would be "spaghettified" and die. But that was when you had reached deep INSIDE the event horizon.



Read this: [link]

Hope that this helps! Science is awesome!
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
Yeah, I just copypasta'd what someone had sent me, I don't know German at all!

And it's fiction, I'm an amateur, and have no problem keeping the physics, wrong as they are, they way they are. If I were writing for realism, I would def research the issue more.
Reply
:iconindigo-serenade:
Indigo-Serenade Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I absolutely love this! And I totally knew it was Homestuck-related. XD
Grats on the DD; it's completely well-deserved! :squee: :heart:
Reply
:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Hahahaha yayyyy THANK YOU
Reply
:iconindigo-serenade:
Indigo-Serenade Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Always welcome! :heart: :happybounce:
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:icon3rdboxcar:
3rdBoxcar Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH! It's both compelling, vivid, *and* well-written, with a great main character to boot! I read it three times to try to answer all of my questions, but like all great stories, some of the answers are shrouded in mystery:)

So, we have a man who went to fight in a futuristic WWII and left his love behind. He somehow makes a cyborg of himself that retains some of his memories(last scene). This is not the only cyborg though, as there is legislation surrounding the use of AI in battle. There is something special about this one though.

One scene that I wish I could decipher is where the woman has the gun, and then the courier has "errors". What are the errors? Is he crying?(if so, does he cry oil :D)? Also, i think there is more to this scene than meets the eye. How is this woman connected to the rose scarf? Is it her? Is that why he cries? How did she end up in Oslo?

I know that the references to paradoxes are a clue. The courier exists to deliver the package, but does he exist *because* he delivered the package? Does the package contain the key to his existence? Is that why the story loops at the end?

I'm so confused. I need to go to sleep now, thanks for blowing my mind! You are amazing!
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
Thanks and thanks for reading!

Yes on all accounts, except 'was made,' not makes himself. Perhaps his original self's mind was used as an AI template, and a series of battle AI was based off that template. PERHAPS??

The errors are what people make of them. If he does cry, it's on the inside. :( (Though oil tears, visually, are awesome).

AND YES EXACTLY paradoxical package delivery to propagate his existence.
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:icon3rdboxcar:
3rdBoxcar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Yay I feel like I've more or less put the picture together, thanks!

The only part I'm still curious about is his eyes. What did they look like so that they gave away that he was AI?
I understand if you want to keep it a secret, though:)
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013
Maybe it was a tag so people on the battlefield would know who was human, and who wasn't. And since he's illegal technology now, the eyes are a stigma. Maybe!
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:iconlolitalibrarian:
LolitaLibrarian Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student General Artist
You've made me incredibly sad. Well done, sir.

:iconclapplz:
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Oh no, don't be sad! Thanks for reading!
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:iconlolitalibrarian:
LolitaLibrarian Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Student General Artist
It was a pleasure. :)
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:iconphoenixscribe:
PhoenixScribe Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Writer
How wonderful! I loved this.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Thank you!
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:iconbabakosen:
BabakoSen Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Imma hang onto this in my faves until I grasp it.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Haha, okay! If you need any help, check out the comments. A couple people got it spot on.
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:iconbabakosen:
BabakoSen Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks, I think I will!
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:iconryanisnasty:
ryanisnasty Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
This is incredible. You definitely deserved this DD, congratulations!
:huggle:
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Thanks so much, and thanks for reading!
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:iconryanisnasty:
ryanisnasty Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Your welcome!
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:icontainteddna:
TaintedDNA Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student General Artist
This is amazing. Makes me want to know more of what exactly is going on here, and what the package was, and whether this delivery guy was part robot or something.. I'm so interested now! XD
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
A lot of folks in the comments have really nailed some good points. But basically yes, he is a machine, and the delivery has something to do with his AI.
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:icontainteddna:
TaintedDNA Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013  Student General Artist
Ah, I see. Is that why the transmission kept being interrupted? I also wonder who was going through his files. It was probably the guy who the package was for, not sure who else, but still, very nice story
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013
Well, it's an AI based off a human brain, so it's struggling to reassert itself against a lot of programming, which causes all the errors. and the guy who the package was for has something to do with his origins. :)
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:icontainteddna:
TaintedDNA Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2013  Student General Artist
ah. now i REALLY wish there was more to read XD
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013
I tried to write more at one point and it was horrible. xD ahhhh.
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:icontainteddna:
TaintedDNA Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2013  Student General Artist
It can't have been that bad.
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:iconaichiyume:
aichiyume Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student Writer
Absolutely stunning. :D <3
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Thank you!
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:iconexsakura:
ExSakura Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Student General Artist
Somehow reminds me of Doctor Who. Maybe it's the "rose" part :)
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013
Yeah, I can see that! I must have seen the Rose DW by then, but I can't remember. xD
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:iconicantgivecredit:
ICantGiveCredit Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
by the powers of justice, for Mail is a noble profession.

Dead Guy = PM? xD
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
Definitely inspired by!!
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:iconjennieo-of-hyrule64:
JennieO-of-Hyrule64 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT HAD SOME BIT OF HOMESTUCK IN THIS PROSE WHEN YOU KEPT SAYING 'ROSE SCARF' And bahhh I honestly haven't fully read the prose (Because I have a doctor's appointment to get to right now) but it's really brillant! I'll have to sit down and read this once I get back!~
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
YES the good old days where I was very smitten by Mrs. Lalonde and the epic mail delivery! And yeah, go for it! Good luck at doctors.
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:iconwingedozelot:
WingedOzelot Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist
Beautiful, awesome, splendid!!! I love it!!! :love::squee: Your writing is awesome, it's so fluent and nice to read! :iconexplodelaplz: And I love the main character's personality :iconlawooplz:

Um, um... the text would be even more perfect if you wrote "Halt! Keine Bewegung!" instead of "Halt! Keine bewejung!" and Herr Fuehrer instead of herr Fuehrer. :la:

Thanks for sharing this awesome story! :happybounce:
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
Thank you! And haaaa I don't know a lick of German, so thanks for the edits. :>
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:iconwingedozelot:
WingedOzelot Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2013  Hobbyist
:icongreatjobplz:
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:iconleadheart787:
LeadHeart787 Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, I loved this! I took 10 minutes to read this alone. It was a pleasure to read and I love how details are revealed as the piece travels on. Some advanced techniques I could only dream of using, this was very well executed.

Congrats on the DD~
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
Thanks and thanks for reading!
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:iconmagpie-poet:
magpie-poet Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2013
It's amazing. Coherent and yet such a tease at a wider world, science and fleeting images, all those anachronisms fitting together so beautifully. And an actiony feel with a mostly pacifistic main character is a nice change too. I think it upped the pace. Package-I've no idea what could make such a change in an occupied zone-information of some sort, if time was supposed to be messed up a way to put things back where they belong? Nope, don't know.
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:iconlunaticstar:
LunaticStar Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
Thanks! (When I think about it, I think my problem with attempted continuations of this were that I tried to weed out the pacifism).

And as for the package, maybe! A couple different things fit. Some of the comments have great ideas.
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