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The Drowned, 15.2 by *LunaticStar:iconLunaticStar:


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©2009 *LunaticStar
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Author's Comments

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edit: Thank you *denlm!

Wow it's been a long time, huh! Sorry. But yeah. Back to the mobsters, for the time being. And we get to learn a little about the dead man that is Richard Saint Claire....

Oh and when Ed refers to Andre's ' past failures,' I'm so sorry, I forgot I haven't WRITTEN that yet. It's a retcon. Remember when Johnny is on the run from Ed's men? Andre corners Johnny, who of course gets away... Look for this chapter in the future. I PROMISE!

And as tempted as I am to cameo Nick (from the second addendum) into this, I probably won't. He'd be an unfair advantage to Team Do-Right (Harry, Lu). :D

And you're gonna HATE me for the next couple chapters. I'm having a blast writing them right now. Get ready to say bye-bye ... perhaps.

Critiques


:icondenlm:
I laughed so loud I embarrassed myself: Hot with anticipation, like a woman in heat. If there was one thing better than a wet hooker, it was guns. Wonderful phrase and very fitting to the character.

Now, Typo Time:
And in those scant moments, Andre had ran to the basement armory..." should have been "had RUN."

And as he Andre passed the threshold, the lights went out... should have been either "As he passed..." or "As he, Andre, passed..."

In ...straining to push the words through the clouds of pain, “what are you?” the W in "what are you?" should be capitalized.

Same with the A in "are" in Andre coughed, “are you all right?”

"Set up" should be two words in ...began to setup a temporary residence..."

Him – afraid. Had! Did you mean "Ha!"?

As for content: I loved the action, and your pacing was great. But you did lose me for a moment when Eduardo began to talk about learning the Drowned's name. Was the opening of this piece a flashback? Or were you attempting to "flash forward"? Either way, that was bit confusing.

BTW, you have a thing about starting sentences with "And" in this section. I counted 4. I'm not a stickler about that. I do it myself when it is needed to connect two thoughts that don't play well together in a compound sentence, or for dramatic impact. But that isn't the case all of the time here. See if you can whittle out a couple of them.

All in all, you satisfied me as a reader. I wanted more, and that is at least half the battle in writing good fiction.
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

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Comments


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:iconaeromachia:
Gleee <3 Finally got round to reading this and you are on excellent form as ever. Looking forward to the next bits :3

--
:fish: It's not the end of the world...
:iconlunaticstar:
Thanks for reading!!! appreciated as always, no kiddin'.

--
If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak. - Jayne, Firefly.

Details

August 20
15.8 KB

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